From separate to shared money: what to set up at each stage

The stages at a glance

1. Dating

Money is usually separate. Each of you pays your own way, and shared spending is dinners, trips and gifts. The main question is what feels fair when one of you earns more.

• Pick a simple rule for dates, such as taking turns or splitting.
• Keep your own accounts, cards and savings as they are.
• Use the money questions when it starts getting serious.

Official fact. The FTC says the three credit bureaus have permanently extended a program that lets you check your report from each once a week for free, at AnnualCreditReport.com. In our view, knowing your own report before things get serious is worth doing.

2. Moving in together

Shared bills start: rent, utilities, internet, groceries. This is the stage where most couples first need a rule for splitting.

• Write the list of shared costs and add it up.
• Choose 50/50 or by income. The three-pot setup shows both with numbers.
• Decide where it lives: one joint account or separate accounts with a monthly settle-up.
• Check who is named on the lease.

Official fact. If you open a joint account, the FDIC combines each co-owner's shares of all joint accounts at the same bank and insures the total up to $250,000, assuming shares are equal unless the account records say otherwise. More on the joint account page.

3. Engaged

Plans get bigger: a wedding, maybe a house, a combined future. This is usually when couples share debts, savings and goals openly.

• Share your debts, credit reports and savings balances.
• Set a wedding budget and who pays what.
• Decide how you will run money once married. The combine and keep separate guides lay out both.
• Start a shared goal, even a small one.

Official fact. The FTC names AnnualCreditReport.com as the one website authorized to fill orders for the free reports the law entitles you to.

4. Married

Your tax status changes, and many couples reopen the question of how much to merge. Both a full merge and a mostly separate setup are common.

• Decide your filing status for the year.
• Each update your W-4 so withholding fits two incomes.
• Update beneficiaries on accounts and insurance.
• Revisit the three pots or whichever setup you chose.

Official facts. The IRS says your filing status is generally based on your marital status on the last day of the year. You can choose married filing jointly if you are married, or married filing separately if you do not want to file jointly or find that filing separately lowers your tax. The IRS also says to check your withholding after marriage, and its Tax Withholding Estimator can produce a filled in Form W-4 to give your employer. Its Form W-4 page says to consider a new one each year and when your situation changes.

5. A baby

New costs arrive: medical, childcare, a bigger grocery bill. Pay may drop for a while if one of you takes leave.

• Rebuild the shared list with the new costs.
• Check your emergency fund against the new monthly costs.
• Put the child's Social Security number on your to-do list.
• Check withholding again.

Official facts. The IRS lists child birth or adoption among the life changes after which to check withholding. For the Child Tax Credit, it says you (and your spouse, if filing jointly) and each qualifying child need a Social Security number that is valid for employment in the US and issued before the return is due, extensions included. It lists other rules too; check its page.

6. Buying a house

This is usually the biggest shared commitment. Who is on the loan and the title matters, and the down payment often comes from both of you.

• Pull both credit reports well before applying.
• Plan the down payment and a repairs line. See saving for a house.
• Decide how each of you funds the mortgage and upkeep.
• Ask the lender and a lawyer what being on the loan and the title means for each of you.

Official fact. The IRS lists a home purchase among the reasons to check your withholding.

7. One of you stops working

Optional, but common enough to plan for, whether for caregiving, school or a break. The shared bills now rest on one pay.

• Decide whether the other person gets a fixed amount of their own to spend.
• Reset the shares, since a split by income would put everything on one person.
• Check the emergency fund against one pay.
• Check withholding, since your income has changed.

Official fact. The IRS lists a major income change among the reasons to check withholding.

Not legal or tax advice

This page is general information, not legal or tax advice. Rules differ by state and by situation. For anything specific, talk to a tax professional or a lawyer. The stage descriptions are our view, not statistics. Plenty of couples skip stages, repeat them, or never merge.